Tom and Skot's Vegas Adventure

Thursday @ 12:09am

2006-06-15T00:12:00.000-07:00

Just got the last journal entry online - hope you all enjoy them. I'll try and get all the pictures online tomorrow.

It's amazing how little time it takes to fall back into old routines. I think I need a new trip...

Day 7, Monday @ 6:58pm

2006-06-15T00:11:00.000-07:00

Mile 3080: Tom’s house
Music: None. Stanley Cup finals are on.
Tom writing, Scott C watching TV, Scott J at home

Home sweet home. It felt like I’d never get back. Carpenter rolled in just at the same time as us with a new keg for the kegerator. So what do we do? Unload the car and pour one to watch the game. In my defense though, I didn’t blow my liver out this weekend like some of the other guys.

Johnson and I concurred that the trip was a success. Next time we need to convince a third to ride with us – preferably a Mormon.

Signing off…

Day 7, Monday @ 5:40pm

2006-06-15T00:10:00.001-07:00

Mile 3033: Snoqualmie Pass
Music: Metallica, can’t tell which song because of the volume
Tom writing, Scott driving

It’s pouring out. The closer we get to Seattle the more miserable the weather is getting. There’s lightning, wind, and fog (which was Earth, Wind, and Fire’s original name). We’re driving 70 which is still too fast for my comfort yet some asshole truck drivers are flying past us.

Our plastic window is holding up quite well. There are no leaks except for the part that I punched through earlier. Not sure why I did that exactly.

Our boredom is long gone at this point – replaced by fear. This is by far the hardest driving of the trip so far. This must be the Mormon god further punishing us for making Mormon god jokes.

We’re pretty hungry here but intent on cruising home. We still have a nearly full bag of nutsack jerky. I’m going to offer some to Carpenter when we get home. Then it will be funny later when he reads this and finds out he’s eating a cow’s nutsack.

iPod’s battery just died. Time to switch to my music collection on the laptop. I think I’ll rewards Scott’s hard driving with some Neil Diamond.

Day 7, 3:48pm Monday

2006-06-15T00:10:00.000-07:00

Mile 2907: Approaching Yakima
Music: Kansas, Carry on my Wayward Son
Tom writing, Scott driving

Our spirits have improved. We just chugged a tall boy of iced tea. It’s stopped raining though we still don’t have the guts to take off the plastic until we cross the pass.

We’re under 200 miles to get home. Getting close. We’re trying to figure out the right way to release the rest of this blog to the wild. We could just dump it up there. But I think I’ll post it a day at a time to build suspense.

Scott just found the KOA campsite registration form that I filled out and tucked under the windshield. I used my alter ego’s name, Larry ****. (Last name blanked out in case he googles himself some day). For our address I simply wrote “transient”. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the KOA campground conglomerate build up a dossier on me.

We’re getting more traffic and that’s revealed another problem of this stinkin’ plastic window. I can’t see through it very well so now I can’t scope out the passengers in the other cars. I guess I’ll have to use my imagination and pretend they all look like Tia Carrera in Wayne’s World.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention before. I was pissed at Johnson for about 50 miles back in Boise. We passed a water park and I couldn’t get the guy to stop. I think his sense of adventure was left back in the Mandalay Bay parking garage along with his passenger side window.

Day 7, Monday @ 2:43pm

2006-06-15T00:09:00.000-07:00

Mile 2829: WA border
Music: Journey’s Greatest Hits
Tom writing, Scott driving

Our car’s misery index is climbing. Let’s go through the various contributing factors:

Weather: Wet and muggy. It’s raining so we pulled over to tape up a big sheet of plastic over the passenger side window. We got some sweet orange duct tape for securing the plastic. We really loaded up the right side of the car with it and then Scott taped us a number “01” on the side of the smashed in door. We’re not the General Lee though because that car was much cooler than ours. Instead, we’re now driving the General Custer because he really got his ass handed to him. Vegas was our Wounded Knee.

Driving: Our pace has slowed (see weather). Scott is writing a text message on his phone while driving in the rain. When he does this he drives with his knees. I am looking at a yellow sign that has a picture of a car with skid marks behind it indicating slippery road. When our wreck is salvaged from the bottom of a cliff, they’ll probably find a half completed lame message like, “ROFLMAO. GR8 – W3R3 IN WA5HINGT”

Noise: The piece of plastic keeping me dry is vibrating like a mofo in the wind and creating a near deafening racket inside the car. That coupled with the busted muffler and blown front speakers has created a perfect storm of noise that prevents me from enjoying Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing. I think my ears are going to start bleeding soon.

Food: We just ate our Krispy Kreme doughnuts which were good. I picked up some jerky from at the last gas station. The friendly lady there talked me out of the fancy jerky I had selected in lieu of some local stuff that taste like it comes from the cow’s nutsack. It really does. Nutsack jerky, teriyaki style. Sigh.

Comfort: The car actually is a little warmer now which is good. I rode the previous 100 miles with the laptop literally on my lap for warmth. I can’t take much more of this seat though. It pushes liberally into my upper back creating an uncomfortable curvature in my lower back. Japanese people must have different shaped spines. Maybe I’ll sit in the back and let Scott chauffer me. “To Seattle my good man. And step on it.”

Odor: This is going to become an issue really soon. One advantage of driving 80 with a smashed out window is that any smells we produce are rapidly sucked out the windows to mingle with the local Mormon scent. We did get showers this morning at the campground. Come to think of it – I suspect I’m showering more regularly on this trip that I do at home. And I’m positive that’s the case for my stinky driver.

Day 7: Monday @ 10:20am

2006-06-15T00:07:00.001-07:00

Mile: 2542, Nearing Boise
Music: Perfect circle
Tom writing, Scott driving

I don’t know if I’ve ever slept that well in my whole life. And if Scott hadn’t set the stupid alarm on his phone, I think I would have slept until noon. We’re back on the road and approaching Boise. We have a couple cartons of milk in our cooler which are going to be consumed with the Krispy Kreme doughnuts that we picked up last night at 3am at Walmart.

I know, I know – I’m not a Walmart guy. In fact, we’ve been flipping the bird to any Walmarts we’ve been passing. But with thunderstorms now possible at any moment we thought that picking up a large sheet of plastic and some duct tape would be a good idea. But on retrospect I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’ve never been one of those guys that drives down the highway with a taped up window. They always look like really shady dudes and I just assumed that the smashed out window was a side effect of a domestic violence dispute. But maybe those guys are people, just like you and me.

Our automobile troubles are continuing. Our front speakers are out which doesn’t make any sense. We installed a new stereo along with new front speakers before the trip. So now our stereo is running on half volume which blows because it’s hella loud in here between the missing window and non-functioning muffler. I’m going to check the solder joints on the speakers at the next stop. I doubt that’s the problem but it’s possible. I won’t point fingers either and say who soldered them up. Let’s just say his or her name rhymes with Deth Semsey.

Boise city limits. Not much more than 500 miles to go. Between the inaudible car stereo, unpleasantly windy ride, seemingly unending farmland, and impending thunderstorms I expect the miles to fly by.

Day 7: Monday @ 2:57am

2006-06-15T00:07:00.000-07:00

Mile: 2515, Mountain Home, ID
Music: Hot Chocolate, You Sexy Thing
Scott driving, Tom writing

Apparently there are Mormons in Idaho. I can tell because of two things. The first is that their God has made Idaho smell like cow dung. Second, He also answered my prayers and delivered a campground unto us. We’re hitting a KOA momentarily. I’m not concerned if the gates are open or not. If they aren’t, we’ll bust right through them in the Honda much like B.A. Barracus driving the A-Team van right through the gates of a Columbian drug lord’s personal compound.

Day 7: Monday @ 2:48am

2006-06-15T00:06:00.000-07:00

Mile: 2507, God knows where
Music: Something retarded Scott
Scott driving, Tom praying for sleep

I don’t think I can be funny this late so instead I will speak from the heart.

SCOTT, FOT THE LOVE OF [THE MORMON] GOD PULL OVER SOMEWHERE SO WE CAN SLEEP!

Day 7 @ 12:16 am

2006-06-15T00:05:00.000-07:00

Mile 2332: Idaho Border
Music: Metallica, Until It Sleeps. Lynyrd Skynyrd, What’s Your Name
Scott writing, Tom Driving

We’re now in Idaho. That’s the fourth state today. We’re just a couple of motor-boating sons of bitches. There are now blue, red, yellow, and white strobe lights along the side of the road. They’re baffling. They’re all at ground level and sometimes they’re in groups of four to six, sometimes they’re on their own. We’d go in for closer inspections, but we’re guys and we’re making incredible time.

The wind through this pass is impressive. I thought Tom was having the DT’s, but he hasn’t had those since Arizona. The moon outside is full and lighting all the scenery. I’d take a picture, but then none of you would ever drive this stretch of highway at this time of night at this time of year to see what we’re seeing. That and the camera is broken.

Time to rock out to Warrant’s “Cherry Pie.” I’ll write more when more happens. I mean, come on . . . It’s Idaho.

Day 6b @ 11:38 pm

2006-06-15T00:04:00.000-07:00

Mile 2286: I 15/I 84 interchange
Music: Musical Crimes Against Humanity Perpetrated in Scott’s Honda, My Sporting Life
Scott Writing, Tom Driving

I now know why Tom had so many entries while I was driving. There isn’t a damn thing to do while sitting shotgun other than update the blog and sleep. Surprise, surprise – I’m not tired.

Steppenwolf Update 6: “My Sporting Life” should be called “End My Sporting Life With My Sporting Rifle.” This album is turning out to be two hit songs packed into a two disc set with 29 other packing peanuts of crap.

Mormon Update 4: Along the side of the highway, there have been dozens of flashing blue lights which we can’t explain. Since we can’t explain it . . . that’s right – whatever God the Mormons worship must have done it.

Steppenwolf Update 7: Tom started singing the chorus of this song, and he claims to not have known it was Steppenwolf, but I think that tells us a lot about Tom that we previously didn’t know. The song he’s enjoying so thoroughly is “Drift Away.” Thankfully we’re now only one song away from the end of the CD with the beginning of this new song. “Monster-Suicide-America-Medley.” I feel like I can’t add anything to that to make it any funnier. This piece of crap makes me want Steppenwolf to commit suicide. We honestly thought my iPod was skipping there for a second. They struck the same chord about a dozen or so times. Man, that is some musical genius.

Twenty miles ‘til Idaho. Sweeeeeeeet.

Steppenwolf Update 8: This will be the last Steppenwolf update. Ever. The final song is “Straight Shootin’ Woman,” and we can all hope she hits her target and kills this crappy song. That’s it. We’re done with it. We’re now listening to “Disco Inferno.” At least that’s manly. Wait . . . what?

236 miles to Boise. That’ll just bleed away. Especially since the ride on this well-kept road in my quiet car will be so peaceful. For those of you who can’t detect sarcasm over the internet . . . that was sarcasm.

Day 6b @ 10:53 pm

2006-06-15T00:02:00.000-07:00

Mile 2235: Entering SLC
Music: Track 15 of 31 of Scott and Tom’s worst musical nightmares, Hippo Stomp
Scott Writing, Tom Driving

I now know what Steppenwolf’s inspiration for this album was: walking through the zoo. Before you blow that off as nonsense spewing forth from the mouth of a raving madman, the last two songs were about Ostriches and Hippos. I kinda feel like the producer of this album lost a bet and had to record this crap.

Steppenwolf Update 3: The song is now “Take What You Need,” which, after getting this far into the album, is aspirin. We had to skip “Magic Carpet Ride” because we know it. Now it’s “Screaming Night Hog.” And you thought I was kidding about the zoo.

Mormon Update 2: We had been looking forward to checking SLC off our list, but it turns out the Mormons don’t want us heathens getting off the freeway in their city; they didn’t even list any exits that would take us there. We’re now about 30 miles north of city limits. To show them what’s what, we have a porn-site web address pre-loaded (neither of us knows how that happened), so when we get wi-fi, we can get someone arrested for sex-crimes.

Steppenwolf Update 4: The song is called “Don’t Step on the Grass, Sam,” when it should be called “Don’t buy the Album or Listen to the Music, Sam.” In Billy Joel’s “The Entertainer,” he tells the listener that, quote:

If you’re gonna have a hit,
You gotta make it fit.
So they cut it down to 3:05

I don’t think Steppenwolf got the memo. All their songs seem to be at least six minutes long. At least this next song is called “For Ladies Only.” I think we can skip this one.

Mormon Update 3: Speed limit is up to 75 again, which couldn’t come soon enough. This entire state smells like cow ass, and we can’t roll the window up. I’m convinced it’s whatever God the Mormons worship punishing us more.

Steppenwolf Update 5: New song. “It’s Never Too Late.” To stop listening.

Day 6b @ 10:19pm

2006-06-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

Mile 2195: Leaving Provo
Music: Steppenwolf’s Greatest(lamest) Hits, Your Wall’s Too High
Scott Writing, Tom Driving

We’re finally on the move. The freeway has opened back up. Some slack-jawed yokel just passed us on the shoulder before the freeway opened up, and the drove about 45 after it opened up. What a moron.

We keep getting internet access every once in a while; not for long though. Damnit!! Almost got a webpage loaded. I want to try to download some porn that’s illegal in Utah, and get someone busted. I don’t think that will be possible, though. We’re actually on the fast track out of here. We’re cruising at 70 now, and hopefully, whatever God the Mormons worship willing, we can be out of Utah before midnight.

Steppenwolf Update: We’re on track 9 of 31, and we’re thinking of crashing the car into the center divider. I think I only have two more pieces of sheet metal that aren’t dented or deformed now, so at least we’d make the car symmetrical.

So, we received some important news a little earlier. Our route is planned to take us through SLC, then Boise, then Tri-Cities, then to Seattle. As it turns out, whatever God the Mormons worship wasn’t amused by the “whatever God the Mormons worship” joke, and has cursed us with thundershowers from Idaho, through to Seattle. The forecast calls for everything from light showers, to severe thunderstorms.

Steppenwolf Update2: Up to track 12 of 31. It’s called “The Pusher.” I think he’s said “I said Goddamn, Goddamn. I’m a pusher-man. Goddamn,” about four thousand times. The only thing he’s pushing is shitty music. Maybe he’s damning whatever God the Mormons worship.

Mormon Update 1: Tom just realized that along with the watered down 85 octane gas they sell in this state, they also sell watered down beer. We have a trunk full of real beer. We’re planning on selling it at inflated rates to teenagers at the border. We’re totally bootlegging moonshine runners.

Signing off for now . . .

P.S. How did Steppenwolf ever play concerts with only two good songs?

Day 6b @ 10:07pm

2006-06-15T00:00:00.000-07:00

Mile 2193: STILL outside Provo
Music: Steppenwolf’s Greatest Hits, Power Play
Scott Writing, Tom parking

Alright, I’m going to address something that has been bothering me for a little while now. We decided to listen to Steppenwolf’s Greatest Hits in its entirety because there are only two songs that they wrote that we can think of (Born to Be Wild and Magic Carpet Ride). For one reason or another, the greatest hits album is a two disc set. This song, Power Play, has been on for almost five minutes now, and it is terrible. Tom asked if the power play should be over two minutes, but I’m thinking this song could be so bad it’s worth a five minute major.

Day 6b @ 10:05

2006-06-14T23:59:00.000-07:00

Mile 2193: Still outside Provo
Music: Steppenwolf’s Greatest Hits, Power Play
Scott Writing, Tom Driving

So the curse of Tom’s driving stint has hit the car again. Those of you that read our Thanksgiving road-trip blog are in the know that whenever Tom gets behind the wheel, traffic crawls to a stop. They have closed two of the three lanes on the highway, and forced everyone into the last lane. My god . . . this means we’ll be in Utah for longer.

Day 6b @ 10:03 pm

2006-06-14T23:58:00.001-07:00

Mile 2192: Outside Provo
Music: Steppenwolf’s Greatest Hits, Power Play
Scott Writing, Tom Driving

It’s, again, weird to be sitting shotgun in my own car. We just got back on the highway after a food/gas break. We thought we had scored big by finding a gas station that sold gas for 2.83 per gallon. Turns out the ad wizards in Utah decided to sell 85 octane as the base line. Who the ‘F’ uses 85 octane? What the hell can you legally drive on the streets that runs on 85 octane? Oh well, we’ll be out of Utah soon enough.

Day 6b: Sunday @ 6:25pm

2006-06-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

Mile 2000: Utah Desert
Music: Talking Heads, Once in a lifetime
Tom writing, Scott driving

We’re hitting 2000 miles right………wait for it……wait for it…..(haha, we’re in Beaver county now)….wait for it….1999.9…..wait for it…..NOW! 2000! Honk! Honk!

It’s fortunate that the weather is so good. All the windows are open (including the one that was totally smashed out) so we can’t even notice that Scott’s car is totally f’ed. After vacuuming all the broken glass out of his car, it actually looked pretty good inside. In fact, this is the cleanest I’ve ever seen Scott’s car since about 3 days after he got it.

Something lame: my camera died the moment we got into Vegas. As if a higher power intended for there to be no evidence of the weekend. I was hoping that the higher power would relent and allow my camera to start working again after we left. No such luck.

We’re less than 200 miles to Salt Lake City and making excellent time. Too excellent. I need to convince Scott to crash there for the night somehow in order to hit that water park. There’s a cheese factory coming up. I should be able to convince him to stop there – that’ll kill some time. If that doesn’t work I’m considering feigning car sickness.

Dammit, we missed the cheese outlet. I think I feel my stomach getting queasy…

Day 6b: Sunday @ 3:53 pm

2006-06-14T23:55:00.000-07:00

Mile 1819: Nevada desert
Music: GNR, Welcome to the Jungle (front speakers only)
Tom writing, Scott driving

Today is a new day. We have a long time to go so we took a car vote and decided to officially declare Day 6 over. Today is now Sunday, Day 6b, which looks to be much better than yesterday, Day 6.

One good side to this (if any) is that we discovered the car yesterday as opposed to Friday – at least it didn’t ruin our time in Vegas.

Now that our heads our cleared we can discuss our weekend in Vegas. Problem is, I don’t really remember. It was a blur. Drinks were consumed, pools were swam in, gambling was had. I’m leaving with the same exact amount of cash that I went with which means that I was up a decent amount playing cards. (Actually, I kept records – I was up 340). I would provide more details of the weekend except they are so abhorrent and lewd that decency and decorum prevent me from listing them here.

We didn’t make it to the water park today which means that we only managed to make it to 1 of 3. We’re planning on driving through Salt Lake City to get home and rumor has it that there’s a Raging Waters there. Johnson really wants to get home though so it will take some smooth negotiating on my part tomorrow to get him there. Best to not bring it up yet…

Hahahaha, I just asked Johnson if there’s anything that he wants to add. His response was two honks and a holler of “Titties!” Yesterday’s atrocities committed against his car are already fading from memory much the lingering odor of smoke, alcohol, and bubble gum fading from our clothes.

Day 6, Sunday @ 3:08pm

2006-06-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

Mile 1779: Las Vegas Police Dept
Music: none
Tom: writing, Scott: writing Police report

This sucks. Sucks so bad that it’s hard to describe. We came out to our car today to get lunch and found it smashed. Some jackass has plowed right into the thing over the weekend and crushed the passenger side door and window. No note.

So we think, “Perhaps the Mandalay Bay (where the car was parked) security can help.” They do nothing. They tell us that an official report has been file. Turns out that isn’t with the police but with their risk management company. That is useless to us. They refuse to lend us any assistance in dealing with the situation. They have security footage but tell us that they will only release it under a court subpoena or to the police.

Se we think, “Perhaps filing a police report will help.” Then they can request the license plate number from the casino. But the police refuse to come out to file a report. Instead we have to drive to downtown Las Vegas to do it ourselves.

So here we are and this sucks big time. They tell us that they will file the report and do nothing. They will not follow up on it. Not call the casino on our behalf. Not do anything. We ask them why we should file a police report. They’re answer, “So it’s on file.” Gotta love bureaucracies. The desire to smash something right now is intense. I can’t imagine how pissed Scott is.

Day 3, Thursday @ 4:42pm

2006-06-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

Mile 1747
Tom writing, Scott still driving
Music: Earl Chandler, Duke of Earl

VEGAS BABY, VEGAS! It’s on the horizon and approaching very, very fast.

WTF?!? It’s raining. For real. It’s really hot out, very sunny, and raining. There’s a few clouds but they don’t look like rain clouds. Freaky.

Anyhow…

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas – so they say. But I plan continue to write with the same journalistic integrity that you’ve come to expect. You’ll get all the juicy details, the facts, the scandals, the low down. You’ll be kept up to date on Scott’s B.O., our trip to the Vegas water park, and each time I’m shot down by a hot chick. I’m one of the few here that doesn’t have to answer to anyone come next Monday. So I’ll do my best to get in trouble for everyone – especially Jon.

Signing off….

Day 3: Thursday @ 3:38pm

2006-06-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

Mile 1669 dude!: Mojave desert
Music: REO Speedwagon, Keep on Lovin’ You
Tom writing, Scott driving

It’s as if we’ve already forgotten about the Waterlube debacle. Except I keep talking like Keanu Reeves in Bill And Ted’s. “That gyro was most excellent.” “My balls are most sweaty.” “That water park was most bogus.” We also stopped at a Circle K. Nothing strange was afoot except gas for 3.59 a gallon..

We just played the heater game. It’s a little desert driving excitement that my buddy Faris and I came up with a number of years ago. When you’re in a particularly hot and boring stretch of highway, you roll up the windows and turn on the heater full blast and point right at your face. Whoever caves first by turning off the heater loses. Johnson and I made it about 10 minutes before I capitulated. I think he would sooner have passed out spelling certain death for us before giving in. Oh yeah, at the last stop we saw a thermometer outside. 113.

We’re now less than 90 miles from Vegas - the home stretch. We’re supposed to meet Seth, Jon, et al at the Mandalay Bay at 6. I think that both Scott and I will appreciate having new people to talk to.

Ugh – I don’t think those gyros were such a good idea. They were claimed to be the “Best Gyros in USA!!!!!!!” They were good going down but I fear that I ate too much and will be experiencing the gyro in the opposite direction shortly.

Day 3: Thursday @ 12:58pm

2006-06-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

Mile 1587: Mojave Desert
Music: Pearl Jam, Ten
Scott driving, Tom writing

It’s hot. So very hot. My balls are sweating like crazy. The sun is pounding down on me. Scott’s car has no air conditioning yet there is a button on the dashboard labeled “AC” which silently mocks us. Scott pines for Assagor Ball Talc to keep his boys from sticking to his leg. If only such a product existed….

Sweet, desert oasis approaching: Barstow. According to Scott he saw Tupac here the day before he was shot to death. Tupac and his boys were getting In-N-Out. We’re going to stop for gas, bowel relief, and popsicles.

Day 3: Thursday @ 11:51am

2006-06-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

Mile 1512: Trying to get back to the stupid highway.
Tom fuming, Scott fuming

In Bill & Ted’s, Napoleon went to Waterlube on a school day. Not sure why they’d close it today. Anger has turned to depression. There is no God.

Day 3: Thursday @ 11:46am

2006-06-12T20:18:00.000-07:00

Mile 1508: Waterlube parking lot
Tom fuming, Scott fuming

Un-fucking-believable.

Over 1500 fucking miles for this.

Have you all seen Vacation? The part where they get to Wally World and it’s closed? Yeah, well this is our fucking Wally World.

Too angry to type.

We’re going to get a gun.

Day 3: Thursday @ 11:09am

2006-06-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

Mile 1485: Hanging a U-Turn on I-10
Tom writing, Scott driving
Music: Foreigner, Jukebox Hero

Could this trip get any better? Anyone that just answered ‘yes’ is correct. We just hit In-N-Out University. For real, that’s what it’s called. But it was basically just a company store so we picked up some sweet ass In-N-Out swag. But then in an unprecedented move we chose to NOT eat at In-N-Out and instead his up a strip-mall taqueria that boasted 75 cent tacos.

Our decision was an incredible one. To those that know my beloved Taco Truck in Redmond, let me tell you that the tacos here are perhaps 10 to 20 times better. They were, by far, the best tacos I’ve ever had in my life. And they were served up to us by a cute, buxom Mexican woman which completed the taqueria much like the salsa verde completed our tacos. And of course Scott couldn’t help but stare at the television showing a Mexican talk show. I needed my TV-B-Gone.

The laptop was mistakenly left in the trunk until 2 minutes ago. This turned out to be a mistake because we ended up blowing by Waterlube by 12 miles. So now we’ve corrected our course and should be there shortly. The weather is overcast and warm so I don’t expect there to be long lines today.

The highway has been full of pleasant surprises which I’ve been photographing. I’ll try to get those online soon. Let’s just say that the most recent surprise involved Scott and I with our heads out the window yelling the Chips theme song as loud as we could. Scott just asked me to elaborate that our singing Chips is the reason we missed the exit. He’s also singing along to Foreigner. It’s good to have him back.

Day 3: Thursday @ 9:47am

2006-06-12T20:12:00.000-07:00

Mile 1439, LA freeway system
Tom writing, Scott driving
Music: Huey Lewis and the News, Greatest Hits

Another day full of promise.

My driver’s rage problem is all but a distant memory as we weave our way towards Waterlube. Our brakes are totally repaired thanks to the fact that Meredith’s dad is most conveniently an auto shop teacher. The old pads were worn down all the way to the metal cores which explains the nasty grinding noise we heard. When we were getting started on fixing the car, Scott left a most memorable quote: “Hang on, better take off my watch before I jack it.”

After fixing the car, we had a family barbeque and then went out to some local brewery where one of his buddies worked. We ended up drinking 4 pitchers, some vodka thing, and a martini. To be a nice guy I picked up the tab which made everyone happy. My little secret though, the tab was only 14 bucks. Sweet.

Scott again has nothing to add to this post. He’s not even singing along with Huey. I’m started to get worried. I’m going to put some Foreigner on and see if that pulls him out of his shell. If not, I’ll see if I can get him riled up with that annoying Boston accent that he and Carp won’t stop using.

Getting hungry here… The plan is to get some authentic LA tacos before the water park. That has good idea written all over it.

Day 2: Wednesday @ 5:17pm

2006-06-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

Mile 1394, LA
Music: Dazed & Confused Soundtrack
Tom writing, Scott driving

Just drove down the coast through Malibu. The stupid clouds rolled in though so the beaches were all cleared out. That blew because we were hoping to stop and, ahem, enjoy the scenery but, alas, the scenery was doing something else.

We’re getting a little concerned. The Honda which has been a rock so far is making some funny noises. We think that it’s the front brake rotors getting worn down by dangerously low brake pads. So we’re going to have to check that out tonight. In the meantime Scott is using the parking brake lever to do his braking whenever possible and is not a happy camper. Because of the stop and go traffic, hate and rage are very clearly growing in him to the point that I think he could become one of the Emperor’s disciples. I hope I don’t die like this…

Tonight’s plan is to barbeque at Meredith’s house and then go meet some of Scott’s friends for brews at a beachside bar to which we can walk.

Oh boy, he’s flashing the guy in front of us and dropping some f-bombs. Serenity now, Scott. Serenity now.

Time to put the laptop away. If we get in a wreck I’d rather not have my new computer rammed through my abdomen.

Day 2: Wednesday @ 3:00

2006-06-11T17:12:00.000-07:00

Mile 1290: Santa Clarita
Tom writing, Scott Driving
Music: The Doors, LA Woman

We were only at the water park for 3 hours but that’s all we needed. The place was empty – totally empty. We went on every slide like 10 times. The only interruption we took was for the deuce that I’d been holding in the entire trip thus far. We couldn’t help but compare Hurricane Harbor to our childhood water parks, Action Park (for me) and Raging Waters/Wild Rivers (for Scott). We both agree that this place was in the ball park but not quite as good as our childhood places. The problem is that they were way too concerned with safety here. But Scott still managed to piss off a lifeguard by jumping down a wide-open slide before he was instructed. Fortunately (and unlike Scott’s last water park trip), his antics didn’t land him in water park jail. Hurrican Harbor still kicked ass though, don’t get us wrong. So we made a good call by going here first and saving the Mecca of waterparks for tomorrow.

Turns out that we’re the only 20-somethings that go to waterparks any more. If we were 16 (or Evan) we would have cleaned up today. A flotilla of girls in the wave pool thought I was 21. So we decided that for the rest of the trip I’ll pretend to be 23 and Scott will be my 30 year old uncle.

Oh yeah – riding those double tubes was fun as kids but isn’t quite the same anymore. It was still fun but was pervaded by serious homoerotic overtones as Scott was essentially straddling my backside. We’ll be sticking to single tubes only tomorrow.

Afterwards we headed back to In-N-Out for French fries and shakes. Since we’re out earlier than expected, we’re now driving to Ventura which will leave us a sweet drive along 101 back into LA.

Just asked Scott if he wants to add anything. Again he’s silent. This truly is paradise.

Day 2: Wednesday @ 2:45

2006-06-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

Mile 1281, In-N-Out
Tom writing, Scott tracking down ketchup

We have achieved total consciousness.

Day 2: Wednesday @ 10:17am

2006-06-11T17:06:00.000-07:00

Mile 1236, LA traffic
Tom writing, Scott driving
Music: Guns N Roses, Patience (ironically)

Dammit! Johnson is killing us in this stupid HOV lane! We just drove by an In-N-Out with no way to get to the exit. He assures me that there’s one near the water park. That troubles me on two levels. First, I don’t remember the In-N-Out he claims he saw there yesterday. Second, aren’t I supposed to wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming? There’s no chance in hell that’s happening. We’ve come too far…

Day 2: Wednesday @ 11:26
Mile 1276, approaching Hurricane Harbor
Tom writing, Scott driving
Music: Master of Puppets

Shangri La! We just had the most perfect lunch at the world’s most perfect lunch place. As we approached the In-N-Out it was as if God, himself, was welcoming us. The grey skies opened up and we were flooded with the sun’s rays (good thing we brought sunscreen!) Inside, the food was better than we remembered and we completed the experience by making taunting phone calls to some of our working friends.

No time to type – we’re driving down the Magic Mountain Parkway and we’re as excited as a couple of school girls.

Day 2: Wednesday @ 10:08am

2006-06-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

Mile 1226: LA traffic
Music: Bob Dylan, the Hurricane
Tom writing, Scott driving

We’re on the road again but, surprisingly, both dragging. I think we might be a bit hungover…

We’re on our way to Hurricane Harbor and the weather is Seattle grey. The temperature is warm though. Hopefully it will rain to thin out the crowds since we can handle rain like nobody’s business.

Meredith’s mom tried to give us cereal for breakfast. We politely declined and are now scanning the highway for an In-N-Out. Scott is content to drive in the HOV lane but I’m concerned that he won’t be able to cannonball across 5 lanes of traffic in time to make an exit when I find one.

Speaking of LA’s HOV lanes, they are funny. It’s on the left side of the highway just like on 405 in Seattle. However there’s only certain spots where you’re allowed to go in and out of the lane. Otherwise, there’s 2 thick yellow lines that are meant to keep you out. I hope Scott has it in him to dive across these if necessary.

Day 2: Wednesday @ 12:49am

2006-06-11T17:01:00.000-07:00

Mile 1147, LBC
Music: None
Tom drinking and writing, Scott drinking and not much else

Internet access bogarted again so these should go live pretty quickly. Meredith, Scott’s childhood friend, took us out tonight to a Long Beach pirate bar. I told her my pirate/steering wheel joke and it went over well. I really need a new joke though.

We’re back at Meredith’s house and drinking beers instead of sleeping. That probably isn’t a great idea but this is vacation. We’re going to sleep in tomorrow though so who cares. Oh yeah, Meredith, whenever you read this thanks again for having us!

I just remembered a couple minutes ago that our frozen pizzas are out in the car. We never did cook those things and now I fear that the pepperoni and sausage are going bad. I think I’ll go retrieve them from the car after this and secure them in Meredith’s freezer. Then we can eat them on the drive to Vegas. I’ve been really trying to figure out how to best cook them. The problem with Scott’s exhaust manifold is that it’s essentially vertical making it quite difficult to lay the pizza flat against said manifold and not have it fall off. My new plan is to secure a pizza (wrapped in tinfoil) to the topside of Scott’s muffler. If you have any suggestions how to keep it from sliding off (maybe clothes hangers or some kind of heat resistant tape) you should text them to me.

Oh yeah, I was rereading some of my older posts. I’d like to point out that 1) Scott did some editing of my grammar which I think actually made things worse. And 2) I was unable to proofread what I typed because reading in the car makes me nauseated. 3) Scott is going to deny 1) when he reads this later.

I’ve now essentially been up for 40 hours straight (minus nodding off for a few minutes). I promise that after a good night’s sleep these posts will regain the necessary quantities of humor.

BTW, this entry feels strange now that we’re no longer in transit. How I yearn for the open road…

Day 1: Tuesday @ 11:44pm

2006-06-11T16:59:00.000-07:00

Mile 1147, Long Beach
Music: None
Scott drinking and writing, Tom drinking and laughing

We had a bit of trouble finding a campsite that wasn’t suited for only RV’s. One of my Long Beach friends answered their phones, so we have someone to meet tonight for drinks and possibly a place to crash.

So we went out with my Long Beach friend for drinks, and had some good chow to boot. So we have a place to crash for the evening, and as it turns out . . . we also have a place to crash Wednesday night too. Beauty.

We’re a little farther away from Hurricane Harbor than initially planned, but a real bed beats out the no bed any day of the week in my book (and I know what I’m talking about in this respect).

Since we’re back in LB for the evening, and for a little while, I’m going to show Tom around my old stomping grounds. I plan on driving him past my old high school. I’m hoping there are still bullet holes in the front. We’ll be sure to check it out during daylight hours only.

Tomorrow promises to be nothing but good times. Hanging in a chow line. Good times.

Day 1: Tuesday @ 7:27pm

2006-06-06T20:31:00.000-07:00

Internet access acquired from some chump's condo! Blog being posted shortly!

Day 1: Tuesday @ 7:06pm

2006-06-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

Mile 1142
Music: Pink Floyd, Wish You Were Here
Scott driving, Tom writing

Well, we just met a girl. Except she is a little older than we thought after she told us she had a 20 year old son. And then she wouldn't leave us alone. Also, she might want to stop chewing tobacco. However, this can only be considered an omen of good things to come.

We're 6 miles from Hurricane Harbor and trying to track down a local campground since Scott's deadbeat Long Beach friends are unreachable. But it's early so we should be able to score some showers, In-N-Out, and maybe go see a movie. The possibilities are limitless…

Day 1: Tuesday @ 5:38

2006-06-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

Mile 1056, Buttonwillow
Music: Steve Miller Band, Take the Money and Run. Pet Shop Boys, West End Girls.
Scott writing, Tom Driving

We are now 120 miles away from Los Angeles. The good news is that we aren't driving all the way into LA tonight. We're planning on camping next to Six Flags Hurricane Harbor tonight, so we can get in early tomorrow, and get a full day of water-parking in. I suppose there isn't really any bad news, other than that damn In-N-Out fiasco.

I'm going to try to re-connect with some old friends in the area and find a place to crash tomorrow night that's a little more convenient for Raging Waters. Maybe someone will want to join us in our journey. I mean, come on. How could you not want to go to a water-park in this heat.

Heat related: I managed to burn my right arm while driving this afternoon, so I have a lobster claw for a left arm. Tom was lucky enough to be in direct sunlight for about two-and-a-half hours non stop a little later. So we'll both be glad when the sun goes down today. We'll have to procure some sunscreen before we strip down to our Speedos tomorrow.

Day 1: Tuesday @ 4:38

2006-06-06T20:27:00.000-07:00

Mile 980, some Podunk crap-hole south of Nut-Sacramento
Music: Willie Nelson, On the Road Again
Tom driving, Scott writing

Our spirits are much higher now after having eaten, despite the fact that our spirits were crushed at the complete and utter lack of In-N-Out burgers. We're 200 or so miles north of LA now, and this leg of the trip is beautiful. There is nothing but brown grass as far as the eye can see to the east of us, and nothing but brown grass on hills to the west of us. I can't see a discernable change in direction in the road at all in the distance, but that doesn't dampen our steadily rising feelings of anticipation of hitting the largest water-park in California tomorrow, followed by the water-park featured in the Blockbuster film: Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

The ratio of trucks to cars is steadily changing back to how it was this morning: about 5-3 trucks to cars. A tour-bus passed us on our last leg while I was driving. I suppose that isn't really news in and of itself, but the fact that I was driving eighty miles an hour in the left lane, and he blew past me in the right lane from out of nowhere at about one hundred miles an hour kinda makes for news. At least it did for Tom and me.

We just turned one thousand miles on this journey so far. This mean green machine is turning in unreal mileage right now. We're averaging 44 ½ miles per gallon. Not too shabby for an eleven year old car. Add that to the fact that we're almost two hours ahead of schedule, this trip is going greatly. Try getting that far ahead on a plane, chumps. We'll be waiting in Vegas for you.

There is no God. None. We just passed an In-N-Out after driving for twenty minutes. That is not cool. We had been searching for one from 11:00AM until we stopped at 4:30PM. Then - bam. Sonuvabitch.

Day 1: Tuesday @ 1:37

2006-06-06T20:25:00.000-07:00

Mile 798, Exiting Sacra-f'ing-mento
Music: Billy Joel, Piano Man
Scott driving, Tom writing

Scott is still driving – that guy is a machine. That's ok, I think I'm too weak from hunger to drive. Sacramento was a total bust. We've been holding off on eating because we assumed that we could find an In-N-Out Burger there. Boy were we wrong. So we still refuse to purchase food until we find one. The plan is to snack on the remaining salami and crackers. And if we don't find and In-N-Out soon then a frozen pizza is going on the engine, for better or worse.

On another note, we never got to the bottom of the truckers that refused to honk their horns for us. We boycotted trucks for about 100 miles and then gave it another shot and got a great honk on the first try. We must have outrun the evil non-honking trucker cabal.

Ok, time to dig up the salami I hid earlier. Wait, that didn't sound right….

Day 1: Tuesday @ 11:02

2006-06-06T20:24:00.001-07:00

Mile 631: 130 miles from Sac-town
Tom writing, Scott driving
Music: bad Queen song

We just officially called Shenanigans on the truck drivers. There's some kind of anti-horn blowing conspiracy going on right now. I've been waving my arm out the window giving then universal sign for a truck driver to honk his horn. Their collective response: nothing. Even worse, every time we get ignored by a trucker we see him get on his CB. We think that they're radioing the other truckers telling them to ignore us. Why they would do that we don't know. We will continue to investigate this puzzling matter…

Day 1: Tuesday @ 9:19

2006-06-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

Elevation 3067 ft
Mile 513: Random vista point, CA
Tom writing, Scott driving
Music: Tupac's "California Love", Oingo Boingo's "California Girls"

Well, I'm a little bummed. I really wanted to play David Lee Roth's "California Girls" and instead I have to settle for crappy Oingo Boingo. The cheddar-wurst's were consumed 5 minutes ago and they were the best thing to come off the engine block. I finally remembered the name of the car-cook book from my past, Manifold Destiny. We still aren't sure yet how we're going to cook the pizzas.

We're now out of caffeinated beverages. That might become a problem shortly. We were hoping to not have to purchase any food until we hit an In-And-Out Burger. But we're only 250 miles from Sac-town. I typically eat 250 miles for breakfast so we should be there any time.

Day1: Tuesday @ 8:47

2006-06-06T20:22:00.000-07:00

Mile 491, Nearing the California Border
Music: Sunday Bloody Sunday, U2. Beautiful Day, U2
Scott Writing, Tom Driving

We're climbing the pass to cross into California, and we hit a wall of fog. We can't see more than about 30 feet in front of us. Every once in a while, we get patches of sunny blue skies, but the fog is almost impenetrable.

We're now through the pass, and the fog is gone. We just blew past a cop on the side of the road, speed gunning people. Close call. I must say, I did my duty as assistant driver (Assistant to the driver. –Tom) and called the cop from a distance. We are now officially in California. The sun is out, the skies are blue, and the beer is flowing like wine . . . not in the car though. U2's Beautiful Day is blasting on my new car stereo and speakers. Simply awesome. Wish you were all here. Well, maybe not all of you. It's only a Civic.

More from us when we get closer to our destination.

Day 1: Tuesday @ 8:07

2006-06-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

Mile 447, Middle of Nowhere (OR)
Music: CCR, Looking out my back door. Journey, Faithfully
Scott Writing, Tom Driving

The morning was grey, and Oregon had not finished flying past my window. I realize in my last correspondence, I claimed I wasn't tired, but now I have a handprint in the side of my face from a short nap. I am renewed and wide awake, and I just remembered we put Betsy's Cheddar-wursts on the grill before we pulled out of the gas station.

The car traffic has picked up during the last . . . I don't know, I've been asleep for a bit. But there are more cars on the road now than when we started. That doesn't mean there aren't still a butt-load of trucks on the road, 'cause there are.

We seem to be about 40 miles from the California border, and were just passed by the Fuzz, and he couldn't touch us. We are clean, except for the dead hobo in the trunk, but he couldn't know about that. That hobo was just asking for it anyway.

More from us when we reach the highest part of I-5 in the country. Heh. Highest.

We just passed a right-hand-drive Subaru outback. Weird. Just weird.

Day 1: Tuesday @ 6:55

2006-06-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

Mile 365, Roseburg, OR
Music: The Doors, The Wasp. Dane Cook, Retaliation
Scott Writing, Tom Driving

Captain's Log: star-date 6/6/06. After stopping for gas and checking on the tater-tots, it's been determined that car-b-baking is not such a good idea. Perhaps we shouldn't prepare Jon's bachelor party cake on our way from LA to Vegas.

This is the first time I've sat in the passenger seat while the car is in motion. I must say, it's a strange feeling, but who knows how long I'll be awake for it. I had planned on driving a little longer than this, but after being up for God knows how long, and playing hockey last night, I guess there's only so much one guy can do. Now that I'm sitting shotgun, I don't really feel tired.

Whew! Close call there. A tractor trailer almost crushed us into the center divider. Bunch of yahoos these guys. There are more trucks on the road than cars. I guess they're all headed to Vegas to bring all the beer and strippers for this weekend.

Time to listen to some funny . . .

Day 1: Tuesday @ 6:06

2006-06-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

Mile 321, Middle of Nowhere (OR)
Theme Music: Waylon Jennings, Good Ole Boys (yet again)
Tom writing, Scott driving

Sunrise!

We made it through the night. This friggin' car gets incredible mileage by the way. We haven't filled up since Olympia and we're right at ½ a tank. At this rate we'll make it there and back without filling up. We recently passed some lame ass "Enchanted Forest" water park. Puuuhhhlease. Who would actually go there when Waterlube is only 900 miles away?

Our tots are still cooking. We tried to really wedge them up against the exhaust manifold to heat them up. We're starting to get concerned that the frozen pizzas we brought will be more difficult to cook than we anticipated. At least we have Betsy's cheddar-filled brats that she accidentally left in my cooler camping a couple weeks ago.

Johnson has been a real trooper and hasn't relinquished the driver's seat yet. That's ok because I'm getting pretty tired which should be obvious from the deteriorating quality of my writing.

I just asked Scott if there was anything he'd like to add. He just shrugged his shoulders and grunted. When we're out drinking beers sometimes I wish that's all the noise he'd make.

Sweet! Don't Fear the Reaper just came on. More cowbell!!!

Day 1: Tuesday @ 3:44am

2006-06-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

Mile 164, Vancouver (WA)
Theme Music: Metallica, And Justice for All
Tom writing, Scott driving

Well, this 4 cylinder Honda engine is just too damn efficient. We pulled over at a rest area after smelling hot dogs and roasted sun flower seeds. We chowed the lukewarm dogs but tots were nowhere near hot. Those suckers will need at least another 150 miles. Sigh. On a positive note the tots did appear to be absorbing some salty goodness from the sunflower seeds. That rest area was pretty scary by the way. Scott parked us right next to perhaps 50 large semis and on the dark walk to the bathroom I didn't want to run into any of the 50 large men that belong to said trucks.

Uh oh, slight car sickness setting in – perhaps due to the lack of sleep and squinting to read this. Signing off because losing that dog I just ate would be a catastrophic setback on this trip….

Day 1: Tuesday @ 2:13am

2006-06-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

Mile 69 dude, Olympia
Tom writing, Scott driving

Yawns still at a minimal level – probably because we're so friggin' hungry. That will be remedied in 80-100 miles depending on how fast the dogs and tots cook on the exhaust manifold. We forgot to bring salt for the tots so we've added to our foil-tot pack a bunch of salted sunflower seeds. We'll see if that works….

We've settled into a groove here with GNR blaring out of Scott's iPod. Speed limit is now 70 so the miles should really start melting away. Both of are thought that surely we would have seen the lights of the Strip by now. Guess Vegas is farther than 70 miles.

Too hungry to type more…

Day 1: Tuesday @ 1:05am

2006-06-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

Mile 3, Seattle
Tom writing, Scott Driving

We hit the highway (like a band of gypsies), our spirits are high, and Willie Nelson's "On the Road Again" is playing for the 2nd time. Crisis was already averted as I'm now sitting on a pillow to correct the inadequate lumbar support provided by the passenger seat of Scott's Honda. Downtown Seattle is already fading from view and I believe that I can already feel the temperature rise as we push on southward. The Vegas lights are not visible yet, but we expect them over the horizon before we know it.

"Just the Good Ole Boys" by Waylon Jennings just came on – spirits now higher than before – which we did not even realize was possible. Ooh, Scott just pointed out a Florida license plate. He must be on a longer trip to a lamer place. Planes are passing overhead on their approach runs to SeaTac airport. No doubt refueling to handle the ensuing rush of Vegas travelers, each with his or her-own unique and disappointing reason for flying instead of driving.

Our hearts are of full of Vegas promises – not unlike the cooler full of freezer food which will be carbequed shortly as the hunger in our bellies is increasing with each passing mile…

WTF is this?

2006-06-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

Got a text message from Skot that I had to check my email. Got an email from tom requesting I create and post the following blog entries of their car trip to Vegas. Enjoy.

Seth